...that being the left foot, according to the Statues the Egyptians made of their bizarre deities. At least they had no owl gods, eh?
I have intended this to be a blog entirely about my unfortunate experiences with the forces of the Department for Work and Pensions, a misnomer if ever there was one, but it's going to start with somethin rather different.
I'm a naturally suspicious, even paranoid, man, but paranoiacs are made, not born. The history of terrorism is a history of Gladio-style black-ops and flase flag operations, so I'm sceptical of the government position on the recent "attack" in Glasgow, and the "bombs" (nails and petrol, nothing like a legitimate nail bomb) found in London.
The big problem with the official line is the lack of CCTV footage. I'm hardly either an expert, or the first to spot this, but why has no CCTV been released of the "most wanted" man in the country? I don't think this can have been the product of the infamous terrorist training camps: there were no explosives! These "bombs" were cans of petrol with boxes of nails next to them. I've never built a bomb, but even I know that's not a nail bomb. Petrol isn't even an explosive.
So, here's the official line, some respectable doctors built a "bomb" out of petrol and nails with no explosive and no apparent means of detonation. They, in the hope of not being detected, parked conspicuously and illegally in London. Makes perfect sense.
"There is no indication that the vehicle contained any explosives," said a spokesman.
I saw that somewhere.
The news showed something from Glasgow. A white bloke arrested, only seen from behind on TV, perhaps to protect his face. Maybe he's an intelligence agent and they don't want his ugly mug all over the telly. A "witness" says the man in the burning car jumped out shouting "allah, allah", was he a real witness? We can't know, the witnesses around 9/11 have severally proven to be intelligence plants. Looks like there was no exercise this time, anyway. Poor old Peter Power will be disappointed.
Perhaps the oddest thing is that they were driving mercs. If I was blowing up a car I'd choose a cheaper one. Keep the money to wage holy war another day. But this gets me onto, by route of the Mercedes, my New Deal "placement". Heed the nomenclature of New Labour and tremble: I am a "beneficiary". My "placement" is also called an "opportunity". It's a standard 13 week "opportunity", which those others who've suffered through a New Deal scheme will know about. They used to do 26 week courses, but gave up on those. It's not the first time I've been sent on one of these. They make your life miserable, I tell you. I've still never done a Gateway to Work course, but this is my second 13 week placement. I like to think I've done quite well in avoiding spending more than a fortnight on an actual course since I signed on back in 2004.
Some people won't know how the New Deal system works. For starters, it's in no way related to the New Deal system the American FDR introduced. The New Deal for Young People, Tony Blair's New Deal, seem to serve little purpose beyond harrassing the unemployed and unemployable and, of course, lining the pockets of a few very rich people. Specifically the woman who started the company, which would go bankrupt in ten seconds flat if it wasn't leaching off the government, has become a multimillionaire and got herself a slot on Dragon's Den. Just what we need, an entrepreneur who made her money scrounging off the taxpayer telling other people they're no good in business. I get quite annoyed about all this, you know.
Anyway, the first day of this placement was much as I remember it being last time. Lots of paperwork in the morning followed by lots of sitting around doing nothing in the afternoon. Task for the afternoon: compile a CV. Terrific. Well, no employment experience, no education or qualifications. That was quick. He seem to think writing a "personal profile" (I use quote because I don't want anyone to think I'd write such a thing off my own bat) instead will fool an employer into thinking that I've got marketable skills, rather than emphasing their total absence. I disagree, but what will be will be. And what will be is my time being wasted by idiots.
As for the merc: it turns out the man who runs the course (who, to protect the innocent (me) I will call Bob) drives one. I admit, my dole-scrounging powers seem quite feeble next to that. But, as he repeatedly assured those members of the class who were too inquisitive for their own good, he's not in it for the money, he's there for us. Isn't that nice? And the company buys din dins for the Gateway people , solely out of the goodness of their hearts.
I wish I didn't have to go to it, of course, it's worse than useless: it's a waste of time, but I have no choice in the matter, even if Bob says otherwise (as he does). When a man with a gun to your head gives you a choice, it doesn't amount to much. I'm not optimistic about sticking it for long, but hopefully a blend of angry resentment and stoical resignation will get me through for a bit.
I should mention the last time I was on New Deal provision, to use the lingo. It was probably about two years ago, not long after 7/7 (quite a coincidence) and caused me to miss the Third Test in its entirety. I stuck it out for about eight working days. I got a free pair of shoes out of it, so mustn't grumble. This time's got off to a good start, I've already got a biro out of it, for nowt. I don't really remember much else about last time, except I'd arrived just too late to take part in a group application for jobs at the new TK Maxx, or whatever it's called (used to be a Big W when I live round that way), about which I was massively disappointed, as you might expect. At that time the staff was slightly difference. Bob had just arrived, but there was also a big blonde woman, a man with slicked back hair and a big fat bloke who sounded like a louder version of Chris Moyles. Thank heaven for small mercies, he is no longer there.
A suggestion for government policy: abolish the New Deal. The unemployable should be left alone. By all means offer training, but I mean fund a course for someone who wants to get an HGV licence, I don't mean forcing someone who knows all about computers to learn to use MS Word (my own, personal, sentence). Never mind, last time they tried to teach me to read and write. I must've gone up in the world since then, although I'm not aware of any great change. Save the money currently poured into the coffers of big business (and that woman on Dragon's Den, which I don't watch) , save the money spent on the big buraeucracies of New Deal advisers, New Deal placements and all the rest of it (those mercs aren't coming out of nowhere, you know, and they're not coming from efficient government spending either). Let the poor get on with it, without being pestered or given busy-work. We all know most of these people will find a job, and the statistics show that New Deal actually makes people less likely to find work (in that its effects are greater at taking up valuable job-hunting time from real job seekers than at poking the recalcitrant into action).
If you hear of a blood bath, you'll know the bloke who shouts every fucking word he says got too much for me.
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